So it is 10:30pm. Have we made it to Numbers 21? You've guessed it, no we haven't.
I was speaking with a family member tonight and he told me how he has been enjoyed Leviticus and is enjoying Numbers. The reading was bringing him so much joy. He was seeing God's mercy through out each chapter. He told me he couldn't wait to read through Deuteronomy which is still more like Leviticus and Numbers. I felt jealous. At this point the reading is not bringing me any joy; except the joy of finishing a chapter. I am not feeling "spiritual tingles" out of any of these words. I have felt convicted though, especially about the tattoos. Gary and I actually winced when we read that verse. I feel like I should have some kind of rejoicing in my soul. But all I can think of is how to get through these chapters faster. Who cares about the grain offerings and the garments of the priests and when they need to change them. I know I sound awful right now but this is how I am honestly feeling.
I know my prayer should be, "Father, show me yourself in this word. Show me how it applies to me right now in my life, let me see your glory as you showed the Israelites". On the other hand, I am afraid what He may show me will take away from the pleasures I currently enjoy. What if He says, "Sarah follow my laws on unclean food. The scripture in the new testament about nothing I have made being unclean was misinterpreted". I will have to obey and I will also have to stop eating shrimp, crab, lobster, and bacon. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I can hardly live a week without consuming shrimp. It is a shame that I am afraid to give up something edible instead of just being willing to be obedient to whatever He commands. (Again conviction, no rejoicing. I am still learning to rejoice in my convictions)
If I want to be Holy and live Righteous, I should just be excited that God has allowed any of His words to pass my eyes. How dare I complain. I am the one who made a public commitment to read the Bible in three months. I am steadily falling behind. How am I honoring Him in these actions? Honor is important to Him. I know because I just read it. (Convicted)
My new slogans have been Dying to the flesh, so the spirit can live, as well as, Dying to the desires of the flesh to emerge a new creature.(Pretty much the same meaning)
With that in mind, maybe that is why it is so hard for me to accept that I have read relevant passages to rejoice about. My flesh is fighting back. I don't think any living thing enjoys dying. The Holy Spirit is trying to choke the life out of my flesh and my hands are pushing on His chest for relief. It wants to keep sinning because it is so easy.