I know it has been many days since I have posted. It wasn't laziness, I promise. I am behind in my reading and I felt guilty about posting, because I said, " If I don't read, I don't post." So I haven't been posting. But something has been running through my mind. I didn't say if I fell behind I wouldn't post. So, how come I am not posting?
I have been reading everyday and I have been praying everyday. I am making progress and I am proud of that. I am reading so I am going to be posting. But before I go, I want to share one thing that happened a few days ago.
My brother and I try to pray together on a daily basis. This particular day I was feeling very unsatisfied with myself. If anything is possible through Christ, then perfection in my walk is possible. I am not yet perfect so that means I haven't fully put my life in God's hands. I was very angry with myself. When my brother was praying all I could do was cry and think of what I was going to say to God when it was my turn. As soon as he said amen all I could do was ask the Lord to purify me. I must have been asking very loud and bitterly because my husband came upstairs to see what was going on.
As I have mentioned before my husband is just getting to know the Lord and sometimes he doesn't understand my zeal. When he came into the room I just knew he wouldn't understand what was happening. (I was wrong) I stayed on my knees with the phone clutched to my ear. He asked, " What's wrong? Who are you talking to?"
I replied, "I am praying, Gary, I am asking the Lord to purify me and make me perfect."
He took the phone from my hands and told my brother we would call him back. He said, " Sarah, get up from here. No one is perfect, and I see you are trying to serve the Lord. I see a real difference in you."
Granted, that was pleasing to hear but it still wasn't enough. I explained to him that I could be perfect if I really believed and if I really wanted to because all things are possible through Christ. Just because I have sinned before doesn't mean I have to continue sinning. As I was speaking to him I felt the overwhelming need to return to my knees and continue confessing my sins and beg for mercy. I was starting to feel embarrassed, but, God gave me strength to not feel embarrassed or afraid that Gary would think I was a crazy woman.
He listened to me for a while and got on his knees too. When I felt him next to me, I said, " Gary, I want His light to shine through me. I want to be a worthy vessel. How can I say I love you if I don't truly show you God's love? I don't even ask you to read with me anymore. I should at least ask. How can I say I love my son when I don't teach him about God? I don't pray with him, I don't read the Bible with him. I am not being a faithful servant. I am not a good wife. I don't want to pick and choose what I like in the Bible. I want to follow and live by everything He commands."
" Sarah, what you are going through right now is your old self and and your new self struggling with each other. I know the new one will win. You trying to be a better person, makes me want to be a better person. I am more interested in God than I have ever been and it is because of you. I see you letting God shine His light through you. I love you and just keep pushing forward you will reach your goal."