Day 60, Ezekiel 13 - 23

Hello Friends,

I know it has been many days since I have posted.  It wasn't laziness, I promise.  I am behind in my reading and I felt guilty about posting, because I said, " If I don't read, I don't post."  So I haven't been posting.  But something has been running through my mind. I didn't say if I fell behind I wouldn't post. So, how come I am not posting?

I have been reading everyday and I have been praying everyday. I am making progress and I am proud of that.  I am reading so I am going to be posting. But before I go, I want to share one thing that happened a few days ago.

My brother and I try to pray together on a daily basis.  This particular day I was feeling very unsatisfied with myself.  If anything is possible through Christ, then perfection in my walk is possible.  I am not yet perfect so that means I haven't fully put my life in God's hands. I was very angry with myself.  When my brother was praying all I could do was cry and think of what I was going to say to God when it was my turn.  As soon as he said amen all I could do was ask the Lord to purify me. I must have been asking very loud and bitterly because my husband came upstairs to see what was going on.

As I have mentioned before my husband is just getting to know the Lord and sometimes he doesn't understand my zeal.  When he came into the room I just knew he wouldn't understand what was happening. (I was wrong) I stayed on my knees with the phone clutched to my ear. He asked, " What's wrong? Who are you talking to?"

I replied, "I am praying, Gary, I am asking the Lord to purify me and make me perfect."

He took the phone from my hands and told my brother we would call him back. He said, " Sarah, get up from here. No one is perfect, and I see you are trying to serve the Lord. I see a real difference in you."

Granted, that was pleasing to hear but it still wasn't enough. I explained to him that I could be perfect if I really believed and if I really wanted to because all things are possible through Christ. Just because I have sinned before doesn't mean I have to continue sinning. As I was speaking to him I felt the overwhelming need to return to my knees and continue confessing my sins and beg for mercy. I was starting to feel embarrassed, but, God gave me strength to not feel embarrassed or afraid that Gary would think I was a crazy woman.

He listened to me for a while and got on his knees too. When I felt him next to me, I said, " Gary, I want His light to shine through me. I want to be a worthy vessel.  How can I say I love you if I don't truly show you God's love? I don't even ask you to read with me anymore. I should at least ask. How can I say I love my son when I don't teach him about God? I don't pray with him, I don't read the Bible with him. I am not being a faithful servant. I am not a good wife. I don't want to pick and choose what I like in the Bible. I want to follow and live by everything He commands."

" Sarah, what you are going through right now is your old self and and your new self struggling with each other. I know the new one will win. You trying to be a better person, makes me want to be a better person. I am more interested in God than I have ever been and it is because of you. I see you letting God shine His light through you.  I love you and just keep pushing forward you will reach your goal."

Day 36, Ester 1 - Job 7

Back when I was reading Samuel and Kings, I posted about how much I loved David's story. I told you all how I asked my father to use David's story for the eulogy of my cousin.  He didn't.  You see that year our family had five people to die within a 6 month period. Four of those five all past in the same month and the last two on the same day.  The last three were murdered and they were all young. They were not gang members. One of them didn't even live in the state he was there for another funeral. It was the most tragic time of my life.

Many people who knew us said some pretty mean things.  They said our fathers were not serving the Lord correctly, and this is the price that had to be paid.  The man I was dating at the time made me feel like I was cursed and death would soon be on my head.  I think I can speak for the majority when I say we were a bunch of broken and confused people. 

But as I said before, when my father delivered the Eulogy of the last funeral (The services of my dear cousin, who was only 19 years old and the father of two young boys, one only 9 days old) I knew God loved us. We were not cursed but presented with a great opportunity to praise and trust God.

My father, who I am sure at this time was under the divine inspiration of the Lord, preached to us that day about Job. A man who was blameless and upright.  A man, who God allowed Satan to approach and harm greatly, just to prove how much Job loved Him. Job's friends thought surely he had sinned because something that horrible couldn't possibly just happen to someone who was doing right.  We were all ministered to this day, I am certain.

We weren't blameless, but we still wanted to serve God. We all want to know Him in spite of our doubts and questions and fears, He knew our hearts. He saw our distress and comforted us.  I am forever grateful.  

I am not afraid of what comes against me, as long as I sin not.

Pray for one another it is the best gift you can give.

Day 37's reading is Job 8 - 24

Day 35, Nehemiah 1 - 13

Faithfulness...
Honoring the Lord's commandments...
The joy of the Lord is my strength...

This is what is on my heart right now. I think I know what to do to remain faithful to the Lord, yet, I don't always succeed in doing it. But the same way He delivered the Israelites I have to believe He will deliver me.

What does God require of me? It feels like He requires more than I can complete. But that is just my laziness and my flesh.  If I fill myself with His Word continuously It will overpower my flesh.

The joy of the Lord...  How do you know you have the joy of the Lord?  I think having the Joy of the Lord means that every time I hear His name I should shiver. Whenever calamity comes I still shout my love for Him and sin not.  When I read His Word I should feel His presence, and I should be overwhelmed to the point of tears.  I believe, I should feel and act this way if I have the joy of the Lord.  I am not sure if I am misunderstanding what the joy of the Lord is.  Please pray with me that I will find the truth in this matter.  I want to be strong in Him. If I am strong in Him, it will spread throughout my family and they will be saved. If I am strong in Him, He will bless the work of my hands. If I am strong in Him, He will take away the need for gossip and irritation and replace it with speaking goodness and spreading gladness. If I am strong in Him I will be wise in all of my relationships. If I am strong in Him my son will notice this and want to follow Him also. If I am strong in Him I will not feel the need to please other humans and act cowardly. If I am strong in Him I will be delivered and my light will shine before men.

Pray for one another it is the best gift you can give.

Tomorrow's reading is Esther 1 - Job 7
May God add a Blessing to the hearers, readers, and followers of HIS HOLY WORD.

Day 32, 2 Chronicles 8 - 16

Death and Love.  We can not escape them.  This weekend I encountered death in the physical and the spiritual forms.

My husband's grandmother past away and she is not in this country. He can't go because he carries the family business on his back. I tried to imagine myself in those shoes. (I quickly stopped because I didn't like what I was imagining) The person who I am really hurting for is my father-in-law who can't attend because of his medical condition. I am not sure how I would be able to handle missing the final services for my mother.  But he is standing strong, and he has been an inspiration to me this weekend.  He himself, is not in the best of health, but this weekend,  he still got up, lived the day and never cursed God for his circumstances. He is in pain 24 hours a day and he still goes to work in the cabinet shop. He is not going to let the strength he has left go to waste. I heard him say to his cousin yesterday, " I know God hasn't brought me through all of this just to suffer. I should be dead. God has a purpose for my life I know He does."

That is when my self pity died.  Though I want to mourn the ability to whine over my discomforts, I will not. I will not be like Asa, King of Judah and not call on the Lord because of my anger. I will not be afraid of men or negative circumstances. God has not given us a spirit of fear but of POWER, LOVE, & a SOUND MIND. I claim these, I will speak life.

I am a 1/3 of the way through this journey folks and I see Him healing my ignorance daily. My light will shine before men.

Tomorrow's reading is 2 Chronicles 17 - 35